this is my last blog entry. but!! have no fear...the thoughts from the noggin' of nai still exist, only in live journal format.

to continue to witness me spaztack my way through life, go here and bookmark it.

other than that...thank you to everyone who has read the blog, left comments on the tagboard, and basically has supported my adventures and not shunned me because i'm a fuckin' weirdo.

in the words of my good friend sticky,

cheers big ears :)

...7:45 a.m...

frozen in time without your touch, without your love. i don't know what prompted me to use that as an opener. i just did.

i don't want to work today. i don't want to do anything but lay in my bed, and not think.

...i'm starting to think that as much as i don't like to think it, i am my own worst enemy. especially in the case of yesterday's post. something weird happened, and now i'm kinda starting to revert back to the previous version of "nai", the slightly more detatched one. that's the thing. perhaps i got too close too soon...i think i need to step back for a while, and think about a lot of things, like, who it is i think i am right now...because upon closer inspection, i don't think i know anymore.

come on in, i have to tell you what a state i'm in. yesterday was quite the adventure. for those of you just tuning in, yesterday i went to wasaga beach with dan, danielle and roop...and good times were had by all. i did a lot of much needed relaxing, had some very good laughs, and learned a lot about myself, and about others. some things, that i didn't really want to know, but it's a good thing that i did.

i'm numb about a lot of things right now. confused about a lot of things, too. i didn't feel any of this yesterday when it happened. it all just hit me this afternoon. i still don't know what to make of it. it's kinda like a snowball in the eye...without the freezing pain of it all. hell, i don't even know if i should be hurt. it's like you're just cruising along, and then you come to an abrupt full stop, and you're stuck there. i had a good talk with danielle about it today (thank you, by the way), and came to a few conclusions, but who really knows what the motivation behind it was. i'm happy that it was said, because i don't apprieciate people humoring me. the weird part is, after the event happened, things continued as normal. we actually had one of the best talks ever. but still, i'm here, numb to it all. i don't know...i think i'm going to have to see how things go...and draw my own conclusions, in a sense. who knows, really. this is going to make for an interesting month.

i think we were right. we are living a soap opera. hence, the surprising plot twists before every commercial...

are you 55+, and experiencing bowel difficulties? do you wish to ride bikes again? then we have just the thing! adult diapers are becoming more acceptable in today's society. for more information dial 1-800-ust-ink2...

i think i need to watch less late night television.

the blackest white lie...

i'm here. i'm baking banana bread. i finally broke down and called him, and he WASN'T HOME!! AAAAARGHH!!!!

i think god is seriously against me on this one.

danoobie...are you alright? nai-nai is worried. remember that i heart you, and you are my partner in crime...tied to the railroad tracks, waiting for the train to end our suffering because the heroes just don't get it.

and gillian, that makes me feel wonderful. i miss talking to you in person. this is too weird. come to humber!

alright. time to go.

ciao!

it's been a hard days night. man...longest day ever. good thing our second set got rained out, or else i'd still be on my way home.

for those who care, i'm feeling a bit better today, although i'm bloody hell-ass tired.

roop, your handwriting is atrocious. work on that.

anywho...good things are happening, believe it or not. this weekend i'm going to wasaga beach with the "not-so dynamic" duo, and danoobie boonie-noonie (i added to the already classic nickname...pretty slick, huh?). next weekend, i'm going camping with andrea! yay first camping trip ever!! i'm so excited!

so...bedtime awaits. i have to work with the children tomorrow, and play another gig. and get ready for wasaga! yay!

night!

anuroop kalle, you are my sunshine. thank you so much for btcs, and for that wonderful letter written in serial killer's handwriting and 2HB pencil. i think that's going up in my room.

danielle, thank you for being there, even when i'm asleep. saturday is soon indeed. now, to get through thursday and friday.

i have to work today. i'm still in pyjamas. maybe i should fix that.

later.

i can't remember the last time i was this pissed off. i'm a lost cause right now. don't even bother trying to cheer me up, because i'll probably bite your head off.

fucking inconsiderate family. fucking people who don't care, or do care, but act like they don't...or at least it seems that way. fucking pricks who don't call back when it's really important. fucking everything that has made the last 3 hours of my life hell. forget the last three hours, even. try...since last sunday night. ask me about that sometime. really. how fun it was to witness my father have an anxiety attack, and then rant and rave about what he was going to leave my brother and i in his will. ask me how well i'm dealing with the fact that at 2:30 a.m the morning on sunday, i was holding my father back from trying to fucking walk to a hospital because he was sick, and claimed that he needed to be locked away. and again, ask how well i'm dealing with how he now is acting like that whole ordeal never happened, and has gone from loving me and not wanting me to leave him on sunday, to acting like a worse prick then he EVER was now. sound like a good reason to be crying to you? i sure as hell think it is one. and then, try going through all of that, and wanting desperately to share it with the person you love, but not being able to even speak to him really...let alone see him.

i'm done. i think i'm done now. my heart is broken into too many pieces.

i feel that i'm slowly going back to hating everyone...and that's not good. right now, i don't see a point in trying to maintain friendships and other relationships, when people just don't fucking care. it hurts. it fucking hurts to think that once again, just when i thought i could trust people, and i could be comfortable with letting people know who i really am, or i could be comfortable re-building relationships with my family, something proves me wrong. something ALWAYS fucking proves me wrong, and i'm fucking tired of it.

fuck this.

the chronicles of nai and roop continue...

nai and roop are drinking soda that they bought from a local merchant at the unionville festival. nai has a raspberry soda, and roop has what appears to be ginger-ale...

nai: hey roop, you know what this tastes like?
roop:what?
nai: red and water.
roop takes a swig of nai's soda
roop:yup! red and water!

...

roop: hey la-nai, why are you keeping dan and i apart?
nai: well, uh...i...i don'--
roop: (cuts her off) well, THIS isn't awkward!!

man...good times.

who needs a dream?
who needs ambition?
who'd be the fool
in my position?
once, i had dreams.
now, they're obsessions.
hopes become needs
lovers possessions...

then, they move in
oh so discreetly.
slowly at first,
smiling too sweetly.
i opened doors,
they walked right through them.
called me their friend...
i hardly knew them.

now i'm
where i want to be and who i want to be and doing what i always said i would and yet i feel i haven't won at all...

running for my life and never looking back in case there's someone right behind to shoot me down and say he always knew i'd fall...

when the crazy wheel slows down,
where will i be?
back where i started.

don't get me wrong.
i'm not complaining.
times have been good;
fast, entertaining.
but what's the point
if i'm concealing
not only love
all other feeling...

now i'm
where i want to be and who i want to be and doing what i always said i would and yet i feel i haven't won at all...

running for my life and never looking back in case there's someone right behind to shoot me down and say he always knew i'd fall...

when the crazy wheel slows down,
where will i be?
back where i started.


...

you gotta roll with the punches to get to what is real. knock down the bastards and show them how it feels, 'cause you know it's not easy when you feel they go out of their way to get you. it's not easy when you feel they go out of their way to get to you. and all your dreams are coming true, but, now you wish they stayed inside you. it's not easy when you feel they go out of their way to get you. it's not easy when you feel they go out of their way to get you. stand by me. stand by me, yeah. line them up, knock them down. they'll come runnin' when the word gets around.

thank you, to mr. patrick pentland of sloan for those lyrics.

anywho. here i am, yet again.

i started my job at musical theatre camp today. it was alright. it's going to be a long, but challenging month. the kids there are alright, too. i think i just need to warm up to them.

in other news...

today, at approximately 4:15 p.m, the spritual property once known as "nai's libido" passed on into another realm. services will be held throughout the month.

...these are a few of the states i'm in...

let it be known, that the wrath of nai is on whoever dares to fuck with me for the next 24 hours. i'm not in a good mood right now. thank you, danielle, for getting me the fuck out of my house. still...i can't help but think about it. about him. about the fact that i haven't seen him since wednesday, and all i've heard of him was a five minute msn convo, and a short e-mail. and if he keeps up this current "way to call, no call" trend, i won't talk to him until saturday. fucking hell...the one person that i think i needed most, and he's not around. i have so much that i need to talk to him about. about my family and about me and...just, fucking everything. i think that's why i'm upset. because i need to talk to him.not just because he'd said he'd call and then didn't. whatever. some fucked up shit happened in my home this weekend, and i really would like to talk about it with the one person who keeps me sane. the one person who understands and can just be there to hold me while i cry, no matter what. whatever. i can't do anything about it anyway. just, wait it out, and keep myself occupied.

it's the story of my life, really. you can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

i'm gonna go to bed now. work tomorrow.

**sigh**